Coming Up Short

This has been a difficult year — an annus horribilis for many, to paraphrase Her Majesty the Queen.

Image result for queen elizabeth canadaI have been thinking about Queen Elizabeth a lot lately. She’s the one I’m told I must swear an oath to, if I flee Donald Trump and seek asylum in Canada. (I’ve already chosen a title for my memoir… “Mounties: my path to citizenship!”)

I celebrated a milestone birthday recently. The big 5-0. Up until now, I have taken birthdays in stride. Forty was no biggie for me, because I didn’t feel or look much different from when I was 30 or 35. Fifty is different.

My hair is graying all over my head – not just in a few places. My hairdresser has gone from delicately applying highlights with a little brush, to slapping color all over my head with a spatula.

My knees are shot, the cartilage long gone. And in the past few years, forgetting to put reading glasses in my purse when I go out has become more than just an inconvenience. It renders me helpless.

While I realize getting older is far better than the alternative, turning 50 within a few weeks of Donald Trump winning the presidential election was like a one-two punch to the gut. I was kind of a wreck.

But on November 9, as journalists began speculating about President-Elect Trump’s first 100 days in office, I had an epiphany. I needed my own 100 day plan. My mood wasn’t going to de-funk itself.

It kicked off December 1, and will finish on February 28. Perfectly timed and tidy!

I’m keeping some aspects of my plan to myself because THE INTERNET IS FOREVER. But it’s a combination of healthier living (teetotaling, more walking), professional soul-searching and more giving. I haven’t chosen a volunteer activity yet, but still have 93 days to figure it out.

Another goal is to be braver, so last weekend I asked my hairdresser to chop off my hair. It was something I’d wanted to do for a long time, but I hadn’t thought I had the chin or cheekbones to carry if off. Also, men supposedly prefer longer hair. You’ll recall that Faith Hill fans FREAKED OUT when she went pixie a year or so ago.

And remember Felicity, and the “haircut incident”? A shorter ‘do may have cost the Felicity the love of Ben, and Keri Russell her very first TV series. With the risk of such backlash, I’m surprised any woman ever goes shorter than a “lob”.

 

Younger women worry so much about whether the rest of the world likes their hair and clothes and bodies. It’s exhausting to watch. Now that I’m 50, I don’t care as much. (Luckily, I don’t have a network TV show to possibly lose.)

Long hair is lovely, and if you have it and like it…more power to you, sister! If you need me I’ll be over here, rubbing the stubble on the back of my well-coiffed head, and channeling the great Amy Poehler:

“Good for her! Not for me.”

Stay tuned. You’ll be hearing that expression a lot more from me in the next half century.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to learn French by watching videos of Justin Trudeau.

justin
Image result for ginnifer goodwin
Psych! Not me. But this is the photo that started it all.

A Good Tweet Spoiled

John PetersonTwitter is a place where folks do their best to be clever in 140 characters or less.  Some – like @bastardmachine, @jimmytraina and @BMcCarthy32 – succeed.  I love their quick wit and irreverence.

Too bad we also have Twitter bottom feeders like Donald Trump.  Last night as Barack Obama won a second term as our president, The Donald was tweeting crazy, inflammatory foolishness and tilting at windmills.  (His “hair” never moved despite all that wind.  But something tells me you knew that.)

Unfortunately, everyone already knows The Donald… primarily thanks to The Donald himself.  There is nothing new to be gained by ridiculing the already ridiculous, so instead I invite you to consider another Twitter user you may never have heard of.

John Peterson is a professional golfer.  A very handsome professional golfer.  A 23-year old Texas native who graduated from LSU, he’s a three-time All-American and 2011 NCAA Division I Champion. You may recall that I blogged about him this summer, after his hole-in-one at the 2012 US Open.

He is also a Republican, and let’s just say Mitt Romney accepted Tuesday’s outcome with a lot more grace than John Peterson did.

The tweet that really got me was this one:

John Peterson Tweet

I can at least be gratified that this only got 23 retweets.

This guy is a college graduate right?  When was the last time he read something other than a scorecard, like maybe a newspaper? Or traveled to a place that doesn’t have a golf course?  He postures like someone who is politically savvy but come ON.  Switzerland?

I mean, Switzerland is great.  However, while tax rates are similar to those in America, the cost of living is very high.  A 2009 report by Union Bank of Switzerland showed that residents in Geneva and Zurich pay approximately 20% more for products, services and accommodation than others in Western Europe.  What’s more, the Swiss pay approximately 45% more for food.

Another insightful tweet, this one about the rising price of gasoline in the U.S. — which is all President Obama’s fault, naturally:

Actually, I suspect any Swiss resident would be thrilled with $6 per gallon gas — today, or four years from now.  Based on a quick internet search, a gallon of gas in Bern, Switzerland will apparently run you $7.38. 

Better be sure the Gulfstream’s tank is full before you leave, John.

Switzerland is a tolerant society, and discrimination against homosexuals is constitutionally prohibited.  In fact, thanks to a 2005 national referendum, Swiss same-sex couples enjoy the same rights as married couples in next of kin status, insurance, taxation, and shared possession of dwelling

Oh, and there is no state religion in Switzerland.  I’m just saying.

What might surprise Peterson most is Switzerland’s health care law mandating that everyone buy coverage, which is subsidized by the government.  Wait, I thought Republicans did not APPROVE of healthcare mandates?

I wonder if John Peterson has confused Switzerland with The Swiss Colony?  Could be that the guy just loves a good cheese log. 

A few more tweets from John Peterson are below.  Unfortunately, he deleted several others advocating secession from “the Union” by “the Confederacy” (which according to John, is where the last truly brave Americans all reside) before I could capture the images.